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Q: What does a lesbian bring to the second date?

A: U-Haul



Q: What does a gay guy bring to the second date?

A: What second date?
 
A man walks into a bar and hears a voice that says, "Nice shirt." A bit later he hears, "I like your haircut." He doesn't see anyone and he asks the bartender who is talking.

The bartender replies, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
 
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.
 
What do you get a man with the heart of a lion?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.
 
When is a door not really a door?

When it’s really ajar.
 
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.
 
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the heck was that all about?"
 
Is it true pico currently resides in Wuhan?
 
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody.
 
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

"No. I always give 110%."
 
What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian.
 
People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.