That one actually a high level person for a big company and pretty darn cool. She's been there through thick and thin. I do think for a few reasons we will always remain just friends, but I am just glad to have her around. She's got a great sense of humor and is really good at cracking me up when I'm losing my shit, which we all know is often. I just try to make her feel as great as she is as a person here and there when I have the time.
Girls that are just friends are actually pretty awesome as well.
Rogie I don't play poker anymore man. Ton of respect for that community, but it;s just not who I am. I like to help people, not hurt them in any way - which includes economically. I do love the strategic challenge of the game, but I'm here to make people happy, not sad in any way.
I'm working on it fellas, and I've literally been choosing between Vegas, Fla or maybe somewhere else. I will advise - and actually it doesn't have that much with you though it'd be cool as fuck to meet any of you. I want to know where I can have the best time doing my job, playing poker here and there at good casinos and playing guitar/seeing if I can maybe eventually be a front dude as a night time thing.
Probably a couple months or so for me but I think it's gonna be Florida, I've made a few extremely cool friends there lately. I can hire my favorite poker coach. I can play volleyball on the beach - yes, I'll be in that kind of shape. I can find a place to safely get blotto and play covers on the street like elsewhere, which will lead to a cover band, then maybe a real one.
Yes, yes, yes.
Will keep you guys posted.
Already have moved up from what was going on recently and just looking to a better future in every facet.
Whoever is down there when that happens, let's have a beer or six during not work hours.
Preferring me some Leinenkugal Shandy lately, but usually it's Yueng Lite for now. Gotta lose that beer gut.
I'll share now actually, since I received my first commission today. Now I know everything I am doing is real, it always was, but you guys know my paranoia and all that.
Crew, I have launched a recruiting business (just me), and it is on it's way to being successful, very early stages. It is a remote position with an affiliate and I have an incredible team of managers to work with, and thank all things that are the great and might Holy Spirit (which I have finally found) for giving me the strength to make this transition.
I respect the absolute heck out of the poker community too, but it's not me - and I do write this with literal tears of love - it's true. I have really found myself lately and still have some demons kicking around up there that will be resolved soon enough. I am so thankful for the poker community as well. So many people, so supportive when I showed up at the absolute worst of times. Always respectful, always. Sugar, Jack. I love them so, so much - and anything I could ever do for any of them I absolutely always would - except play. Thank you so much Dougie for the vapes when you knew I needed them and could go broke. Thank you to all the wonderful dealers. The 35 hands per hour girl at sug - yes - the Matrix you absolutely are, it's true. Anna Banana (lol). A few funny as fok male dealers - Pedialyte, what? Yep - needed that at that time. Wait - who got slutshamed? No one got slutshamed, lol. Thank you Russ for always trying to help me evolve as a player - and many others too. Paul for the handshake on the way out, when we both knew I wasn't ready to do this yet. That one female dealer that when I said I was going to be a recruiting manager on the way out (which was unintentionally dishonest because I was so sad about leaving and REALLY needed alcohol) said "a recruiting WHAT"? How did you catch that that quickly? That one dude at that table that gave me the sad "alright" when I said I was leaving. I saved face at the time but I'll have you know that that made me literally burst out crying (sober) because I just love you guys so, so much. I wept about leaving Jack as well because the feeling is true there as well. Neagranu, Polk - of course I don't know you, but you're both incredible - Doug I cannot believe I actually got to see you live. Neeme, Owen - both awesome for the game and cool as heck. The list goes on and on. My ex poker Coach and life Coach. Dude I'm so sorry to you and your family and thank you for everything. You literally saved my life and I'm just so glad that nothing went worse than it did because I was a piece of shit. Sug security for kicking me out when I was blotto and ready to spew money I needed everywhere, and to the street people that kept me from getting robbed or worse. Don't forget that I owe you and I am going to do something for you when I have the pockets to do it. Dude in Philly who gave me that Lyft ride when I REALLY needed it. That restaurant in that area for treating me like a guitar hero when I sucked. Yes, I am going to come back there at some point and I am going to be good as fok. Dude I spoke to about his big hand with Moneymaker. That was so, so cool. Mark Ari - the most fundamentally sound coach. If you want to be a good 1/2 or 2/5 player - you should probably look him up. The incredible couple of female dealers at both rooms that knew things were bad for me and gave me the emotional support to get the money I literally needed to not end up in a shelter - yeah, I won't forget that. That lady that tried to get me to play at the bar so I could play socially with females - I really should have done that but the way things ended up I guess it's best I didn't. Thank you to the floors at both when I came in in the most ridiculous clothes and coats etc. Everyone was always respectful and I really didn't deserve it. Every time I snapped at someone at the table I apologize for from my heart. I was always going through some stuff - be it deep alcoholism, worried about a place to live, worried about a job, etc. etc.
The thing for me is, I live to help people - never ever hurt them in any way. If I win one hand against what I see as a nice person I actually can't deal with seeing the sad look on their face as they respectfully say "nice hand, good game" - because that's what you do. Sure I'll freeroll sometimes as a hobby and talk stuff with people because I do still find it fun, and anyone that I feel I can teach I would love to help you help yourself, get by, or whatever you want to talk about, but only during non working hours, which for me - until I get this thing fully rolling along the way it needs to be - are ridiculous, but I do have the strength to do it. Almost every time I won recently I would binge drink and cry my brains out because I felt like a jerk. Not everyone is like me and that's cool.
Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE I owe ANYTHING to I am going to get you caught up as soon as I possibly can - you are more of a priority than high end settings for me.
All of the musicians that gave me the energy I needed to get through. that. Now they give me the energy to help people. We'll get back to that and them.
That which doesn't kill DOES make you stronger. It's true - but in my case - then you're 43 and try plyometrics in a motel room - don't forget that you're in bare feet - idiot. Yes, I dry out NOW. COMPLETELY. I had already weened down to a sixer every night or so, and it is a mindfuck but it is 100% necessary for this
So, with recruiting - I get to help people in all facets. More home time with the family. More money to buy more food. A safer job. Better people to work with and four - I have 14 carriers across the United States that I do business with and if one of them has a job for someone that I talk to that improves their life, they're going to get that job.
It's heartwarming for me. I cannot see people sad, I need to see them happy and for people to be good to each other - and that's the way I live my life now - everyone single one of the Roman Catholic Commandments I will follow every single day. The one for me in the past was dishonesty - but it was only because I was a desperate man in desperate times - because I was on the wrong path.
Like I said, the few we have here anymore have done everything they could to make me not the man I am today (which is better than the man I was - again thank God) - and the man I will be. I'm just very humbled and thankful to have literally a second life as you all know to do good for this world instead of being a lost dickbag.
I will NOT fuck this up, you all have my word - thanks for all.
I had prepped my speech acting like I just won a Grammy (lol) but when actually all I'm doing is transitioning out of being a fucking loser but big thanks to the crew where I'm at now. I just feel like I have people looking out for me where as I try to beat all the stuff that's been in my head, and let me tell you - it's fucking weird man, transitioning out of being bipolar/alky boy into medicated (which will be in the works shortly) man, balanced man. Like, I have a panic attack and decide someone's going to kill me. Like Literally decide it. Then everyone hates me for this reason. Then this person thinks I'm this. Then that. Then the next thing. It's so fucking weird man but here's where I think that comes from. I actually think I had a midlife crisis here with my subconscious going through everything throughout my entire life that I've been through and seeing if I could beat every fear or not.
I was picked on a lot in early school and stuff like that and to me, because I'm me, if someone shoved me or kicked me in the nuts I had to establish position on them and be prepared for the result of that, no matter what. So what I didn't know yet but I do now is beat fear. Every one, every time. It's in the spirit of mental and physical strength in every capacity. The workouts, the eating perfectly, the being as quick as I possibly can in every decision humanly possible - because all of that leads to me not having that fear cross paths with a driver I am trying to help get that job he wants and feed his family which requires me to be able to move more quickly mentally than I ever have. That'll come with time and a dual monitor setup and everything else will make that easier. Right now it's still kind of a tight squeeze economically so 1) beat every fear 2) get the money 3) get the car 4) get everything else - which most importantly is to do good for people with that, including resolving the past. This paranoia that has developed in my brain runs through and it's like I beat it, I beat it, I beat it then boom I feel like this lost, helpless person and think everyone is out to get me - when a half hour prior I was completely on point. I had a very good musician decades ago say to me "Steve, you're the only person I've ever seen that can be incredible at almost anything and then boom you suck." He was right, and that'll be resolved soon.
Getting back to my Roman Catholic roots one sin is Vengeance and I do hate that it is but is is. so what I do, when I think of all those people that have been so mean to me when I was down and out is I say to myself use it. Use it to make yourself stronger in every fact so that you can help and protect people in every way possible, mentally and physically - so as to be the man you were put on this earth to be. So I close my eyes and I get very, very angry - and I think of them. It's similar to when I used to train for volleyball - you want to run fast and jump fast on a hard court? Go do sprints on the beach at 5 am before work on a regular basis then. No I wasn't pro, close, or anything like that - but given my size and very limited vertical - I was able to be up there with some pretty damn good players because literally while doing those sprints at 5 am I would think of that guy that kicked me in the nuts in school and made me fall down in front of everyone who then laughed at me. That guy that pushed me in the hallway and clowned me in front of a girl and since I'm me made me want to cry all through the next class. That guy that stole my guitar. Or this who did that or this who did that. Take position physically, mentally and monetarily. So I pretend in my head that I am that broken, defeated person and I fall apart mentally. and then I listen to my favorite bands and think to myself evolve NOW. NOW. At this very moment. Pound caffeine for the quickness/alertness you need to be a good salesman (which the end game in this industry is the sell is a better life for them, which is just so cool) - Then boom, my brain goes on overdive and I am able to be on point for the next conversation, to help the next person help themselves and their family/friends out in every facet. Position yourself.
The truth is I wouldn't do anything to them or anyone because I cannot commit vengeance. Life is about helping and protecting, so basically take that anger and make it a gift to give you the strength to be on point for the next conversation. All of it. Use it. Sure most people don't think like me that but that's just me. I think many of my favorite musicians, athletes etc. might sometimes - and I do agree that it's a peculiar thought process for a 43 year old man. I"m just trying not be a loser douche for all of my life compared to the people I grew up with.They have good jobs, nice houses, and beautiful lives. All these people always gave me this look in my eyes and would say things eluding to having all the potential but always getting too lost to fully develop it. The paranoid delusions in my head are ridiculous, they really are - and then I'm like - why in the absolute heck - would that person be out to get you? That makes zero sense.
So develop and evolve in every way possible, do well, give back, help, and protect - in the spirit of freeing your soul so as to from any fear.
Here's a shout out to the volleyball community. If you want to be good, buy Karch Karily "Beach Volleyball", read every page, do everything he says to do and you'll be good.
Another shout out to the poker community - your hand can be mucked if you're not using a chip holder and another player's cards make contact with your cards. Yes, you can use a chip as a chip holder. I read somewhere that you shouldn't use a chip based on how quickly you pick it up/put it down - which do a point makes sense - but you can easily make an act out of that, if you want to.
That was a nice taste of commission for a guy like me, I'll let you know how the month ends. Now that I know it's truly real, let's see if I can be trtly real enough to get it done.