:
Emmi
Don't forget to catch me
- Since
- Sep 29, 2010
- Messages
- 224
- Score
- 2
- Tokens
- 0
Mudcat,
I agree with Reno Cool...great music and very nice voice! But the lyrics need a bit of work still.
It is good you are not blunt like, say, Bon Jovi, but it is difficult to pull off a Tori Amos when it comes to cryptic lyrics.
You seem to try too hard. I know you can write better if you close your eyes and describe what you want the song to feel.
Thank you for sharing it!!
CHALK OUTLINE WALKING - title seems confusing
Turn down the volume on the mirror
Stop talking to me that way
Stop talking to me, looking with that look
Stop looking away - but she looks at you, how can she stop looking away?
Chalk outline walking in the shadows of the town
Moon is rising, pressure’s rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking in the tunnels underground
Silent rage, moonrise on - avoid to build too much atmosphere, trying too hard here
Don’t breath the air, don’t drink the water
You don’t know what that shit is made of - not a fan of these two lines...water and air are elements (right?) so they should be pure, if they are not then make it clear why they aren't, find a better metaphor
Don’t trust anyone says trust me - like that one, so e.e. cummings
And talks about love, no
Chalk outline walking in the shadows of the town
Moon is rising, pressure’s rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking in the tunnels underground
Silent rage, moonrise on - silent rage seems kind of played, find a better image, be more subtle, your audience will still get it
And I’m watching every sky
While lightning strikes and worlds collide
And I’m falling, falling - why and where are you falling? elaborate rather here to avoid confusion
Ohhhh
There’s a chalk outline walking in the middle of a crowd
Pressure’s rising, levels rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking, rage without a sound
Moonrise on, moonrise on
I agree with Reno Cool...great music and very nice voice! But the lyrics need a bit of work still.
It is good you are not blunt like, say, Bon Jovi, but it is difficult to pull off a Tori Amos when it comes to cryptic lyrics.
You seem to try too hard. I know you can write better if you close your eyes and describe what you want the song to feel.
Thank you for sharing it!!
CHALK OUTLINE WALKING - title seems confusing
Turn down the volume on the mirror
Stop talking to me that way
Stop talking to me, looking with that look
Stop looking away - but she looks at you, how can she stop looking away?
Chalk outline walking in the shadows of the town
Moon is rising, pressure’s rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking in the tunnels underground
Silent rage, moonrise on - avoid to build too much atmosphere, trying too hard here
Don’t breath the air, don’t drink the water
You don’t know what that shit is made of - not a fan of these two lines...water and air are elements (right?) so they should be pure, if they are not then make it clear why they aren't, find a better metaphor
Don’t trust anyone says trust me - like that one, so e.e. cummings
And talks about love, no
Chalk outline walking in the shadows of the town
Moon is rising, pressure’s rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking in the tunnels underground
Silent rage, moonrise on - silent rage seems kind of played, find a better image, be more subtle, your audience will still get it
And I’m watching every sky
While lightning strikes and worlds collide
And I’m falling, falling - why and where are you falling? elaborate rather here to avoid confusion
Ohhhh
There’s a chalk outline walking in the middle of a crowd
Pressure’s rising, levels rising – there’s a
Chalk outline walking, rage without a sound
Moonrise on, moonrise on