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Valentines Day Poetry

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CASPERWAIT$

CASPERWAIT$

Drama Moobs Your Mom
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Aug 3, 2010
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Casp crush a bottle of whiskey tonight and drunk dial the ex at roughly 330 am, *67 that shit and then just start screaming sloshed poetry at her. If her new man picks up even better. Keep calling until they threaten you and then scream at them to stop bothering you. This whole thing only happened if you at least get sound. You've got birthday non drinks to make up for pal fuck the wagon. FYI I'm not the one who one starred you.
 
Okay Ladies, I am going to write a poem every hour on Facebook until midnight to celebrate the unholiest of holy holidays, Valentines Day.

Don't say I don't care.

Let me be your Cupid
Let me be your Mr. Right
Let me spend $100 on freaking flowers
So I might get head tonight
Let me buy you dinner
Let chocolate rain above
Let your knees not get to chaffed
As you show me my idea of love
Let all of these things happen
Cause when the night is done all I will have to say
Is you are my BJ girl
Who rocks my world
On this fantastic VD Day.
 
I shoot you with my arrow
And you call the local police
I wear a diaper to your door
Hours later I post bail to get released
I pluck flowers off your property for you
And I get tazed for being sweet
I stood on your lawn with a boom box above my head
Trying to sweep you off your feet
Now the local paper calls me a "stalker"
Damn this "love" thing is hard to do
So with my one phone call from jail
It's your sobs you regale
As I say happy valentines day to you
 
You got a romantic dinner planned tonight
Going to wear those earrings that shine
That low cut dress
Meant to impress
Going to drink a shit ton of wine
Going to eat all the surf and turf you can
Until your stomach is about to explode
Going to hold his hand as dessert is served
Going to go into "romantic mode"
Going to take him home and whisper gently
"Honey what can I do for you"?
When he answers back in prose
That he wants to suck your toes
It could have been worse
He could have said anal
 
3 years ago I went on a date from Match,
He said he was tall and fertile,
When our eyes locked,
I was completely in shock,
He was 5ft 9 and talked as slow as a turtle,
2 years ago, it was OK Cupid.
He said he was Rich and working in medicine made his pockets fat,
Come to find out,
He was nothing but a lout,
His name was Dick and he was a human lab rat.
Last year was Ok Harmony,
The douchebag dropped a bomb on me,
He was still married but looking to stray,
The scary thing was,
I wasn't offended because,
At least he didn't turn out gay.
So this year I made plans,
To go out with my hands,
And my friend BOB is ready to go,
So to all my single lady friends,
It gets better in the end
It's more fun to go "O" than "whoa"
 
Went to the Hallmark store to find
A card that was one of a kind
That explained how I feel about you
But every card that I read
Left me feeling brain dead
Because angels don't capture what my heart holds true
So I made you a card instead
All colored in red
Not for love but for blood I spill when skies are grey
Wearing my Cure T Shirt tattered
It's only your lovable frown that mattered
My emo girl
It's your darkness that brightens my day
 
Remember when you bought me flowers?
I sneezed until my snot ran dry
Remember when you made me watch The Notebook?
All it did was make me cry
Remember when you bought me chocolate?
Hey dumb ass, lactose intolerant right?
Remember when you put that engagement ring in my souffl?
My bowel movement the next day, what a sight.
Remember when I caught you sleeping with the maid?
You said I was to difficult, time to move to someone new
Well my lawyer just said,
I'll be collecting alimony till you are dead
Happy Valentines Day to you
 
Casperwaits
Sober 17 days pal.

Working until 3am

This poetry isn't me pining.

It's me lampooning all that is this stupid holiday.
Click to expand...

Even better start when you get home nothing like pulling this type of thing off when they are most likely in deep REM cycle mode. Nothing like being smashed and disrupting their relationship while the sun comes up, then morning sportscenter trashed is always top notch.
 
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